Mental
challenges are normal. We are all human and we all face barriers whether we
admit it or not.
NB. This is a long one but it may help you ..please read all the way through
I wanted to write this blog based on my own mental experiences, not only through my weightloss journey but throughout my life. I know that a lot of people will be able to relate to a lot of the issues i touch on and i just want to make people aware that they are not alone. I will touch on my personal experiences with depression, anxiety and fear. I know this all sounds negative, but what i have learnt is that mental challenges in life make you stronger. Turning them into a positive is the best way to deal with them. Please don't read this negatively, i want you to know it helped me become a better person. I am still growing, still learning and still looking forward to the great things that are to come in my life.
Where to begin? OK, so a lot of my mental challenges have all come down to relationships. My first long term relationship was when i was 13 until 17, this was puppy love and to be honest had no real effect on my life apart from experiencing what it is like to care and appreciate another person. We broke up on mutual grounds and there was no heartbreak. I then got into a relationship when i was 18 and we broke up when i was 21. Now this was where my mental challenges in relationships began. I met this guy on a night out and things escalated very quickly. We moved in together, we got engaged and we never spent a night apart. This was a recipe for disaster. At the beginning of the relationship i had finished my A levels and it was time to choose a university and move forward with my life. At the time i did not think i was in a controlling relationship, but since i studied English and Drama at A level i wanted to go into performing arts or something similar when i went to university. However, the closest university to home was Northampton, my boyfriend wanted to move to Northampton and the only subject that he was happy with me studying was Criminology. How odd... i studied something that was completely different to my interests and we moved in together right near the university. During my time at university i worked as a front of house manager at a health club, i went home every night to study, cook and clean and attended lectures when i needed to. This was not the UNI LIFE i had dreamt of. However, i was so brain washed into this relationship, that i would just do anything my boyfriend said. I thought that being in love was spending time with my boyfriend, making him happy and whatever else my mind agreed to.
As time went on i began to feel really lonely and i didn’t know why. I didn’t see my friends anymore, i never went out or joined any social clubs at uni and i just didn’t feel like this was the way my life should be. I was doing really well at uni and i spent a lot of time with my boyfriend and his family, but i knew something wasn’t right. One day after 3 years in this relationship, i woke up and i physically could not stop crying. I didn’t know why, i couldn’t think properly and no one else knew how to stop me crying. I booked an appointment at the doctors a few days after this and i was diagnosed with depression within about 5 minutes. When you don't know that is wrong, when you can't smile and when no one seems to be able to help, it is the most scary experience you can imagine. I began to resent my boyfriend, i hated everything about him, his voice, his looks, what he did etc. I couldn’t bare the thought of him touching me. I even sneaked onto the sofa at night so i didn’t have to be near him. The doctor gave me some anti depressants which began to work after a few weeks. My mood started to lift and i felt like i was getting back to normal. However, on my 21st birthday, my boyfriend proposed to me. I cried and i cried and i cried and i said YES. To this day i couldn’t tell you why i said yes, i assume i was continuing with the idea that i needed to do what would make him happy. I had lost all self worth, all my self confidence and i didn’t have an identity.
About a month after the proposal i woke up one morning and again started to cry. I looked at my boyfriend and i just knew i had to leave. He went to work that morning and without even a second thought i called my mum and told her i was coming home and that i couldn’t be with him anymore. I then called him and told him i was going to stay with my mum and he thought i was joking. Bare in mind i never stayed away from him in the 3 years, this was a complete joke to him. I hung up and started to pack my things. I managed to pack nearly everything that day and went back to my mums whilst he was at work. He called me later on that day and i told him it was over. I had only realised that day that all the depression and upset was a result of being in a controlling relationship for 3 years. I was oblivious to what was happening. When i came to the realisation of what had happened over the years, i was relieved that i could now get my life back together. I contacted all my friends and to my surprise they were happy i had left him. I am very grateful now that i have such loyal friends, a caring family and there was help for me when i needed it.
As for the degree, i gained a 2:1 in criminology. I admit this is not what i wanted to study but I’m grateful that i had the opportunity to study. As most of you will know i am now a makeup artist but my degree has come in handy on occasions. It took me a while to get back on my feet and regain some sort of self worth but i have been lucky to have support and amazing people in my life. I must admit, i went a bit crazy with the partying after the break up, but why the hell not i was a free bird, i could do what i wanted. So many opportunities came up for me after that relationship and it really did show me that removing negativity will always bring you positivity.
However, it was not long after that i was faced with another mental challenge in relationships. Whilst i was working at the health club, i met a guy who was member and we hit it off like a house on fire. We would spend time together, talk for hours and became really close. It all seemed pretty perfect after a few months but my biggest nightmare was waiting just around the corner. One evening after attending a party with my new boyfriend, i was sleeping only to be woken up by him telling me something bad was going to happen to me if i moved. This was the scariest thing i had ever experienced since the morning i woke up in tears. I kept asking him what he was talking about but he grew angrier by the minute. I got up, turned on the light and he just burst into tears. I couldn’t understand what was happening until he revealed that he hears voices in his head and that the voice was telling him to hurt me. At first, i didn’t know what to do, i mean honestly who would in this situation?
I calmed him down and reassured him that i was would be there for him no matter what and that i would help him through this. For a while after, we would sit for hours talking and trying to figure out how to deal with this. But, this was just not enough. I did my own research and i knew he had schizophrenia and that he would need professional help. The problem was that no one else knew about this and he had never been able to tell anyone until this moment. He began to start threatening me, that if i told anyone then 'the voice’ would demand him to hurt me. I was scared, but i knew he needed help. I managed to get him to the doctors where he explained everything and it all seemed to be a start to the recovery. However, his 'voice' hated me and to my surprise the relationship took a turn for the worst. In my eyes, i was trying to help and to care for him, but when someone is mentally ill like this, they do not think. I had to remove myself from the relationship because it was starting to scare me. The mental challenge that i had to cope with here was beyond hard. I cared and loved this person, and unbeknown to me, there was another personality i had to fight with. I felt like i had lost the battle and the only option was to walk away. My kind heart and my instinct to help others, did not benefit me in this relationship. I learnt from this that you cannot help others if they are not willing to help themselves or if the problem is so big that the only option is professional help.
After that challenge i took some time to think and focus on myself. I had been promoted at the gym, met loads of new friends and was beginning to focus on what i really wanted in life. Until, i met my next mental challenge. By far, this was the hardest of them all. You’re probably thinking how could I possibly get into anything else that would challenge me so soon, but as you will see, these three relationships were completely different, I had met the wrong people for me. Humans are interesting and compatibility is important!
Another relationship. What was i thinking? This time, the relationship involved mental abuse, physical abuse and control. But not only that, i had to deal with religious barriers, lies, deceit and worst of all i had only just got my own place and started a new job. Unbeknown to me, i was getting into a pretty sticky situation. But as we all know, love is blind and feelings are a disease HAHA. I admit, i hadn’t learnt from previous experiences, but that's because so much had happened that i thought i was doing the right thing. This guy was different, he had humour, he was outgoing, he had loads of friends and we always had a laugh. Drinking, dancing and up all night laughing. What more could i possibly want? COMMITMENT that's what i wanted. I wanted to be his girlfriend. Why the hell not? We got on, he pretty much lived at my place, we had date nights at mine etc etc. But my mistake was carrying on with this. He would make me feel like i was the only one, but in a way that i couldn’t argue with. He was manipulative and very convincing i must say. But the problem started when feelings got involved. I started to ask questions because he would confuse me. I would clean, cook, wash him clothes for him and take him wherever he wanted to go. What a MUG i was haha. Once again i was just an ordinary girl trying to win a guy over. He then got his religious beliefs involved and blamed his non committal on his beliefs. However, he had previous girlfriends and his family were nice enough to me for this to not be a problem. As time went on i started to think there was someone else, but he would always convince me otherwise.
One evening we were out partying when he told me to go home because he didn’t want other guys looking at me. I thought this was ridiculous but i was so angry that i went home and got into bed, i just couldn’t be bothered with the drama. He came to my apartment about an hour later, screaming at me and calling me all the names under the sun. He then punched me right in the face and told me that i was a slut and asked me why anyone would want me. I called an ambulance after he left because i couldn’t see out of my eye and i broke down severely through the coming months. I became very ill emotionally and physically and i got sacked from my job for my sickness record. I generally thought my whole life was going to be over. Luckily i have the most amazing family and friends who helped me see a brighter future. I managed to get a temporary job just to pay the bills and to my surprise met some of my closest friends there who are still my friends today. I had regular break downs, skin problems and anxieties for a long time after, and gained an awful lot of weight. But that was my final warning with men. I felt like god had thrown everything at me that he possibly could to make me realise that I needed to open my eyes understand that love is just not enough sometimes. Holding onto good times is not enough. For many months after this i would cry and miss him so much that i believed that no one would ever love me. Once again my confidence and self worth has disappeared.
After a year, i managed to train my mind that i had the whole world at my feet and something needed to change. I met a good friend of mine who is an ex footballer and now boxer who went through depression also. He told me to read 'The secret' which i did, and my life has changed so much since then. Don’t get me wrong, i struggle some days with my mindset and i will always have a big heart so caring about others is something i do without thinking. However, i am more aware of this and i have come to realise that people love differently. I also realised that it's not worth sacrificing your own life goals for the sake of others.
My self confidence has only begun to improve over the last year when i started my weight loss journey. I knew i needed to focus on making my mind, my body and overall health a priority in my life. So i have taken the last year i am continuing this journey, to really create confidence in myself and learn to love myself before i let anyone else in. I know that i will come across plenty of barriers in my life, but what i have already experienced has taught me a lot. The biggest lesson i have learnt through these relationships is that however much i care for someone else; they will not always mirror that. What i take from that on a relationship level, is that i know that a person is not for me if they do not support, love and grow with me as a person. If someone is so self absorbed and cannot give what they get in a relationship, then it really isn’t worth the fight in the end.
Again, i don’t want this to sound negative, although all of these situations were unpleasant, i have become a stronger person. Now, when i get upset or someone doesn’t treat me the way i deserve, yes i cry and yes it takes me a few days to accept, but i get over it pretty quick, because after all, i only have one life and i need to make the most of it. I use the 'secret' to keep my mind in a positive state and i read a lot on the law of attraction to keep focus. If i could give anyone a bit of advice on mental challenges, it would be to always see the positive in a situation , read about the law of attraction, follow your dreams and always know that whatever you have been through, you got through and it's time to make the most of the life you have. Be grateful, always say thank you for whatever you have and remove negativity from your life. We all have scars and unpleasant memories, but we wouldn’t be us without them.
To conclude, i am staying single forever hahaha! ONLY JOKING! i am actually getting a puppy very soon so he will be the main man in my life. As for a human man, please attend a compatability interview before proceeding LOL. I love people and i wouldn't change the people in my life for anything, but the ones i have removed have taught me lessons and i'm grateful for that so Thankyou :) Heartbreak is by far one of the most biggest mental challenges us humans will face because we love and we care for people so deeply that sometimes it's hard to see the bigger picture. Everyone keeps telling me that MR RIGHT is just around the corner and i'm starting to believe it... a little bit hehe. I just think he is stuck in a tree somewhere eating nutella and is waiting for that perfect moment to offer me a spoonful ;)
I hope this has been of interest to whoever is reading it, i wanted to share this because i know what it's like to feel alone. If you ever feel like this, pick up 'The secret'... trust me it will help.
Ciao for now
Bella
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